yellow–socks:

me at the store: do i want some snacks? nah it’s ok

me at home: past me was a fucking dumbass

pileofknives:

Attention all customers: our store will be closing in five minutes. If you are present in the store after closing you will be hunted for sport.

pissvortex:

infomercial man: call now and we’ll DOUBLE our offer

6 year old me who has never seen an infomercial before:

florideae:

a toxic dad in a tv show: *cries and shows vulnerability, in order to evoke sympathy*

me, unfazed: die

thebootydiaries:

someone: am i the only one who—

me: There are 7,000,000,000 People On This Earth

proudly-arrogant:

Me recommending Worm to people:

rockintwink:

catchymemes:

Worlds largest single firework shell

That’s not that bi-hoLY SHIT

thebootydiaries:

me: *makes one small mistake*

my brain: (SLAMMING HANDS ON TABLE AND CHANTING) DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH DEAT

mariekacie:

awwcutepets:

t i r e d

My week

saltfishandbake:

people: omg how are you single????

me *internally*: because i have deeply rooted emotional issues and a debilitating fear that im not good enough for anything

me: guess I just haven’t caught my fiSH yet! haha reel one in for me if you find one, sharon!!

thecommonchick:

sees cat being naughty and scoops him up: This is a disciplinary hug. Do not derive joy from it.

naughty cat: purrs loudly

atissi:

museum gift shop: its that vase you saw

me:

museum gift shop: but really small

me: holy shit